Thursday, January 18, 2007

When a heart breaks?

It hurts, you wish you can cry out but you can't as the pain would not go away. It would not erase the fact that it is broken and could not be mended the same way. It does not feel like Ally McBeal having her heart shot by arrows. It feels as though it is being torn apart. Squeezed and suffocated. You can't breathe and everything is not the same. Nothing is the same. Nothing feels right. Everything that you do feels wrong and meaningless.

It does not help with listening to old songs and reminiscing the old memories. It does not help as everywhere you turn, it hurts. It does not help when you gave advise to people about letting it go if it is never meant to be yours. It hurts and for any quiet moments, your tears just flow down your cheeks. There is no off button. For any little thing, you can cry. When you try to mask with laughter, it hurts even more. And while you type how you feel, tears flow freely down your cheeks.

It does not help knowing that the front of your tee is wet with wiping your tears away since morning. You are like a walking zombie. You don't feel the things and people around you but yet you have to interact with it. You can't let go of yourself. You can't ignore the fact that life still goes on. You can't ignore the fact that someone else is waiting for you.

Imagine losing the same person for the 2nd time. Maybe, it is for the best. Maybe, it was never meant to be. Maybe, that is how the story of my life goes. To feel pain and to be alive. To stay alive. To survive. To acknowledge that I am a coward. I only follow what my parents wanted me to do. I only listen. I don't have a rebel cells in me. I accept in quiet and watch my life fade away before my eyes.

Rebel cells lives in mini love that beats up the people who chain me to the chair. They don't allowed me to feel. To experience. To break. To live for myself. To live with someone I truly love. To be with someone that I can care. To feel the warm of another person.

The tap flows non-stop. I need to replace the faucet soon. It need to be like before. Cold! Totally devoid of feelings! Just a puppet.

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