Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Listening to Dil Hai Tumhaara to ease the tight feeling that I am experiencing in my chest. One way to de-stress. Not going out early tomorrow morning but I need to speak with someone.

Jump at the Slightest

Today is 16th Aug and I've decided that rather than cramping/bottling up my pent up feelings, desires, frustrations and not being able to focus properly on work, on hobby, on son and on myself. I think it is time to unscrew the bottle cap and let all flow out.

As we speak, I typed...I am going insane every minute. They always said the truth is always the best. A little lie is good than the truth. Therefore, who is right then? To tell or not to tell. ..sigh...long sigh.

I stopped playing pacman years ago as the thought or the idea on being chase by the colourful smiley eating blob scares the wit out if me. I would say...faster, faster, no, no that side...and cursed the keyboard for not going any faster or slows down when you pc slows down. Damn the colourful blobs, feels as though they are triggering a heart attack for me.

I enjoy the chased and enjoy getting back at them by eating them. Now it only last for 30secs. Anymore than that,...I would definitely get a heart attack. I am waiting for the long dreaded call from so many people. You cannot run away from the reality and you cannot turn back the hands of time.

Given a choice, I turn it back to the time when I was nine years old. I probably would not be so timid in class. I be more out-spoken. I will be much more confidence of myself. I will be wiser. I will learn how to drive a pickup when I was nine years old. In addition, drives a car when I am still in secondary school. I read more books. I will discover fantasy book at an early stage. I will teach myself two foreign languages - French and Japanese. Very practical and useful. Forget the fact that I would be working in a Korean company years later. For, if I can turn back the way in Hell I will be working in a Korean company.

And I study Science; I have always wanted to be working in Lab...after the flop in all Science studies...I settled for Buildings. regret on me studying Buildings...maybe becomes a Civil Engineer or Quantity Surveyor. Very practical job and always an opening for one anyway. Do not have to hope that there would be an ad in the newspaper looking for draftspersons. Job has gone so bad...that they requested for full deluxe package for a bag of peanuts. I am seriously in wrong trade here.

I can see the bubbles escaping and my head is getting lighter and lighter. Tomorrow is another day that I dread. I have stopped smiling. I have stop thinking for tomorrow. Oh, the four monsters are coming on Friday and I have to celebrate Adam's 3rd birthday...1 month in advance. Coz his cousins are sitting for exams in September. Better now than never. I thought the saying should go...better late than never. So planning a nice party for five wild kids. We asked Adam if he would like to celebrate his birthday. He said just place on the table and he blows out the candle. The little monster is so innocent. My heart wrenched each time I look into his future in Singapore. He is starting school next year and I have yet to register for it. Money has been so tight. Too tight to the point it drives me crazy every minute.

Today is Wednesday. How do you stay positive each day? How do you smile each day and push back all your troubles and worries to the side. How do you walked with a spring in your feet each morning when you practically hate coming to work each morning. Work has become a chore to me. Out of seven, we are left with four persons in the office now. Morale feels low.